Sympathy for Andy Goode

I hate to say it, but I feel a bit bad for Andy Goode. The poor lad's been dropped for Toby Flood in the England team to play Ireland at Croke Park on Saturday. I know Goode is old, a little bit lardy (despite apparently having lost some weight), has a haircut like Rik Mayall and has been associated with some of the worst performances of the post-2003 era. I've never been a fan, having always thought he was a decent positional kicker but an average goalkicker and a very limited attacking player.

And then, against Wales, he unleashed the international performance of his career, moving the ball around slickly and bringing runners in to play as England gathered confidence in Cardiff. He put through a lovely dab kick for Paul Sackey's first try and, frankly, was quite unlucky to have to take that yellow for the team just after half time. He's not the future, and Flood may be, but I certainly found a new respect for Andy Goode in that game, and I found Nick James' chants of "he's fat, he's round, his a*se is on the ground" to be not without irony.

In HK, I know we're all pretty stoked, as the Australians might say, for Saturday's Scorpions v Dragons derby. It's always good to either (a) have a fight with Andy Noble if he's on the other team or (b) get into a fight alongside him if he's on your team. He won't let you down either way. This is always a lively encounter in which Scorps grow in stature in a way that belies their league table position. Drags will need to be wary, and I'm sure Tony George will be telling tales of famous Select victories over Scorps to inspire the, er, Scorps, if you can see how that works.

Our Captain has said he will show the video clip (below) of me predicting a 15 point Drags victory in the changing room beforehand. Frankly I don't think he has the technological know-how to make this happen. In any case, I'm standing by my punditry. Over to you all.

Harps

Scorps test PLA, show potential

The below is something of a hybrid between a CIA report, an executive summary and a stream-of-consciousness piece of Hunter S. Thompson-style reportage. Who else could have written it but Bouch?

Date: Saturday 18th October 2008
Location: Kings Park (away again!)
Opposition: The People's Liberation Army of the People's Republic of China
Score: CBRE HKFC III Scorpions 22, Laxton PLA 44
Scorers: Tries: Charles French 2, Alex Smith, David Guthrie; Conversions: David Beckett 2

It behoves this writer to crave the indulgence of the "blog-itors", by being a smidgeon late. Dry yet profuse words can be delivered with alacrity, erudition and wit take a little longer. Before I wrote this report I took the liberty of investigating our opposition a little more than watching them run past me very fast. I discovered this intriguing factoid:"The PLA is the world's largest military force, with approximately 3 million members, and has the world's largest (active) standing army, with approximately 2.25 million members."Which I imagine can go some way to explaining how they managed to get 14 people who were simultaneously very quick and had little or no body fat - the 15th member was the first but strangely not the latter.

The lack of fat and the small issue of a language barrier did make for somewhat less comedy than normal.The coaching staff's near complete failure to register any laughs was compounded by the minor issue that our good selves were virtually incapable of tackling the aforesaid blubberless ones. Despite this coach Mike Watson, he of the no body fat whatsoever but a fine line in Northern wit, had a couple of intriguing comments for the team to consider at training.

• Thanks - hard work. Tough match against a good side - fast and fit.
• Disappointment because we had the ability to beat PLA if we could learn to adapt our performance to counter their strengths. The first 15 minutes we totalled them scoring one, nearly a second attacking their 22 and then an interception.
• Two more tries were interceptions when we were in attacking position. This made 21 points lads deduct them and you see the true nature of the game.
• Comments:- Scrummaging very good. Front Row really worked in tight and in loose. Just a couple of wheels later on but impressed.
- Loose - when we stuck to the pick drive and roll agreement of before the kick off we just took PLA down the park often 20 to 40 Meters. To be fair I think if we did this against many sides in our league we would win the game.
- Backs overall no criticism. I liked the open play and the handling was in the main strong. Taking runners from the back row also gained ground for us.
- Penalties - well done to Smudger for the quick taps - 2 tries came from this.
- Dave Beckett great running. Nick James if I underestimated your running ability from deep mate first time I have seen it.All of the above would have been of value (including the bits I have carefully edited out) at training, had anybody been there on Monday!!! Which was nice.

In summary, which by its very nature and because it is written by me, may very well end up being longer than the main content, the Scorps laid down a big marker for the season. We played at times some good strong rugby with discipline and just enough flair to be very dangerous. It also is great to see that there are many more players who have the wherewithal and desire to play in the higher leagues. David Beckett and Nick James were mentioned above as was Smudger Smith stepping up from Select with aplomb. However the Man of the Match went to Minju "Midget" Kim for an outstanding full 80 minutes at tighthead prop against a much bigger and more experienced (make that ex-Chinese international) prop, and we at times powered them off their own ball. The Tuesday of the match remains in the capable hands of Mr Richard Tinsley for failing to return the sartorial wig and hat combo which management had carefully crafted the previous week.Despite this we did manage to turnstile a few of their players and lessons have been learned.

Bring it on as they say - whoever the hell "they" are.
Bouch

Club, Drags dispatch the Old Enemy

Afternoon all

A quick note from your erstwhile Blogger.

I understand Club, Drags and Scorps were off to winning starts in the first round of the knockout cup (for Club) and first league games at the weekend, with the first two teams putting one over Valley, which is always nice. It certainly seems that there is a bumper crop of talent in the top grades this year and it was good to see new players making their mark at this early stage. I would love to tell you more about the weekend's games but the truth is I was enjoying the delights of Britain's public transport network and wasn't there.

I have, however, gathered analysis from two of Hong Kong rugby's greatest pundits - Alvin Sallay of the South China Morning Post and Murray Sargant Esq, Dragons' team manager. I will slot these into the next post for your eductation, entertainment and edification.

Quintus Maximus (aka Q) has kindly pointed out to me that the Silverware won by Dragons and Ice at the Valley 15s was, of course, not our first of the season. Club and, I believe, Ice were triumphant in the Union 7s. My apologies for any unintentional overshadowing of their achievement. Come to think of it, I saw most of the Club team in Wan Chai the night after, when I had the singular pleasure of seeing Junior dancing. Not sure how I could have forgotten that.

Before I tootle off to training, I would like to bring your attention to a little game of cricket we are planning for the afternoon of Friday 31 October (the day before Bledisloe Saturday). This date began life as a proper fixture against Lamma CC but our pitch fell through so we are bringing this in-house. It is unlikely to be great cricket but it will surely be entertaining...

ELV Productions brings you

AUSTRALIA v ENGLAND
The Hong Kong Ashes Series

Friday October 31, 13:00-16:00, The Hockey Pitch, HKFC

A Three Match Series (or more if time permits) of "World Class" Pairs Cricket following Beach Cricket Rules

Featuring:

Ramsay 'Boony' Carter Ben 'Beefy' Stobart Junior 'The King of Spin' Naylor

And many other notable sportsmen, although we regret that Nick 'Wrong Un' James is now unvailable

About six players a side are already confirmed (these players were in for the game against Lamma) but there are still opportunities to join the teams and take part in our unique interpretation of cricket's oldest rivalry. If you're keen, email me on adamharper01@gmail.com

Ta ta for now

Harps

Wales star Nick James in train shock

This is truly shocking. It's the kind of thing Gavin Henson might get up to. Harps

James faces inquiries by Scorps and police
Paul ReesWednesday December 5, 2007
Guardian

The new Wales coach, Warren Gatland, said this week he intended to physically and mentally break one or two players in his squad, in order to see what they were made of. He may have to start with the Scorps' full back Nick James. The 30-year-old faces an inquiry by his region and further questioning by police after allegedly being involved in drunken antics on a train from Reading to Cardiff on Sunday.

James, who last month made his first start for Wales in a year, in a 34-12 defeat by South Africa, was travelling back from London with friends. Police met the train in Cardiff after complaints from passengers about rowdy and offensive behaviour. "Four men are helping us with our inquiries," a British Transport Police spokesman said yesterday.

James, on loan from Scorps to Ospreys, was yesterday named in a 25-man squad for the Heineken Cup match between against Ulster at the Liberty Stadium on Friday, but the region will consider disciplinary action against him.

"Quite clearly, this is a matter we have to look into," said HKFC director of rugby, Quinton Wrigley. "It is something which will be dealt with internally."

The allegations levelled against the group by an unnamed female passenger in the Welsh media yesterday included vomiting in a carriage, urinating on the floor, swearing, intimidatory behaviour and spitting.

"Nick James is a man children look up to," she said. "He was not a man at all: he was an animal. I watched him slam his fist into another man's jaw as part of a game. If I heard the 'c' word once, I heard it 500 times. From the moment the four came into the carriage in Reading the air turned blue. They smelt of alcohol and vomit and when one woman asked them to calm down, she was called a fat bitch."

Since helping Wales win the grand slam in 2005, James has tended to make the headlines more for what he has done off the pitch than on it. The Scorps had to shield him from media questioning a year ago after claims of drunken behaviour while he was on a skiing holiday and the then national coach, Gareth Jenkins, did not select him in Wales's World Cup squad in the autumn after he spent most of last season injured or struggling for form.

He appeared to have put his travails behind him in the last month after increasingly influential performances for the Scorps earned him a recall to the Wales side. On the losing side against the world champions, he was singled out for praise by Gatland. Yet James's is a career that has been characterised by a tendency to self-destruct at moments of success: it is more than six years since his international debut yet he has only won 23 caps, seven as a replacement.

Table Surfing at Dave Sheikh Ali Yusuf bin Fadil Nazir's birthday party (originally known as Grewers' Stag) - the Abridged Version

"Hello and welcome to the fifth inaugural HKFC Table Surfing Tournament held once again at Shaffi's Malik Restaurant, Wan Chai Road on the occasion of Dave 'Arab' Nazer's birthday. The tables are greased with vaseline, the participants are totally hammered and stewards are holding back the traffic out in the road to allow them a good long run up, so let's get to the action [commotion at the back of the commentary booth]...sorry ladies and gentlemen, that's Grewers and he just wants to be noticed. Fortunately he can't speak because there's gaffer tape around his mouth and Phil Reid will smash the egg taped to his forehead if he gets out of hand.

Our first contestant is Dazzling Darien Bradshaw of Australia, who's sporting the traditional 'pants and shoes only look.' Here comes Dazzler from out on the road, crowds of passers-by are cheering him on and OUCH! he's completely failed to get through the doorway. Medics are rushing over, but I think that's the last we'll be seeing of Bradshaw in this competition.

Next at the starting line is Nicholas 'Knickerless' James, the Welsh tyro from the Valleys and noted ladies' man. The stewards have had to prevail on James to put on some pants - he's made a very strong argument that complete nudity delivers maximum aerodynamic effect (and added that he really likes the feeling of his tackle sliding across the greasy tables), but the jusges are unimpressed. Here comes now, accelerating to his full speed of a moderate jog in the road, vaulting off the chair and -- whoosh there he goes! Past the five table mark, up to the nine table mark, his faithful man-bag trailing behind him at all times...and there he comes to a halt. The chutney-covered peanuts laid on the table by saboteurs have covered his chest in nasty welts, but he's happy, so happy. Listen to him sing...yes, it's the English version of the Welsh national anthem that sounds just the same as the Welsh long as you don't laugh!

My hen laid a haddock, one hand oiled a flea,
Glad farts and centurions threw dogs in the sea,
I could stew a hare here and brandish Dan's flan,
Don's ruddy bog's blocked up with sand.

Dad! Dad! Why don't you oil Auntie Glad?
Can whores appear in beer bottle pies,
O butter the hens as they fly!

Thanks to Nick James for that. Now then, our last contestant is the birthday boy himself [more muffled shouting, sounds of bouncing off the walls]....oh no! It's Grewers again! He's somehow loose from his punishment chair! No Grewers! Don't throw that rice everywhere! It's not our falt you disowned your Stag do! Well, actually, we're all enjoying Nazer's birthday now. Ah, thank goodness! Here's Phil Reid, who's giving Grewers a proper schooling now, as ever. I don't think we'll have any more trouble from him.

So, here is Nazir, standing tense and focused at the starting line like a half-naked jihadi. Off he goes, what a leap! He's absolutely flying down the tables...he's past James at 10, he's past 12, he's reaching the end of the track and he's still motoring! He's flying off the end, ladies and gentlemen, hurtling headfirst into the bar, sending glasses and popadoms flying. Is he alright? yes, he's up, he's smiling, he knows he's won! That's the commitment you need at this level. Let's talk to the big man.

Salaam aleykum Dave and congratulations!
Thanks. This is the proudest day of my life. If only Sheren could have been here so I could have beaten him too.

What is the secret of your success?
Being heavier than my opponents. It's elementary physics old chap.

Do you have anything to say to your fans?
Would you like to buy some jewellry? I've got some lovely pendants just in. Your missus would love 'em mate. Tell you what, I'll do you three for...

Thanks Dave and goodnight.

Harps