Nomads feel the Scorpion's sting

I get the feeling Bouch is all at sea with this analogy but what the heck, he's enjoying himself...

Communique

To: Rear Admiral the Lord Adam Harperington-Blogsmythe, KCV A, RSE B, UM with Distinction

From: Commander of HMS Scorpion

Ref: Invasion of Kowloon Peninsula

Sir,

As instructed by Fleet HQ, HMS Scorpion undertook their planned invasion of the Kowloon Peninsula this Saturday last. We encountered some spirited resistance from a local force of Nomads but after several minutes skirmishing, we were able to fire off several successful salvos. As the engagement continued, the crew battled with structure and cohesion for periods whilst also managing to allow the opposition forces to appear as if they could resist. I have advised the crew that this sort of lapse in discipline is not to be tolerated and after the Nomadic force had been defeated by 52 hits to nil, we maintained station and undertook several essential keel-haulings as required by military convention. All members of the crew took their punishment like the men they are.

To be mentioned in dispatches:
Lieutenant Commander Giles Disney-LargeOick, despite his appalling lower middle class accent, the man charged with selecting our forces for this encounter did a more than sterling job and was suitable rewarded after the match. Unfortunately I was unable to formally present him with the MOTB medal as one of the previous crew members has neglected to return it. He will be scrubbing the decks appropriately.

Ensigns Nieto, Beckett, and Bowring and former Captain of the Vessel Shane Farmhand-Wallis performed very well and were responsible for the vast majority of the hits we achieved, for which the command structure were dutifully grateful. It is worth noting that unfortunately Commander Sir Watsonian-Northernbottom was detained in port due to hosting members of the Singaporean navy who had mysteriously arrived for a shared tour of duty. However when informed of the extent of our victory, Sir W-N was extremely pleased.

Once again, the entire for'rard section performed with distinction although our aeriel support group, used when we were at the edge of the battlefield, needed a little work. I fear another trip to HMS TrainingField!

Finally, it is my sad duty to report that certain elements of the for'rard section were forced to retire from the engagement after I had sent in all of the available reserve force. (Able Seaman Frost (very unable at this point) was suitably keel-hauled.) Faced with leaving a hole in the strength of the attack, I was forced into the engagement myself. I am pleased however to report that my intervention didn't cause too much embarrassment and I am grateful to Master Chief Petty Officer Yataka Yazawa-san, on loan from His Imperial Japanese Maritime Self Defence Force, who bailed me out of a potentially nasty surprise when I found myself isolated deep behind enemy lines, attempting to grasp some advantage from Cabin Boy French's bizarre use of the foot as an attacking weapon. Indeed suffice it to say all of the crew found it slightly amusing from one so large.

I am also delighted to inform fleet command that we maintained a small force to lend support to the fleet's primary aircraft carrier group led by HMS Club, who also achieved victory. I am however duty bound to point out that several members of their crew appeared to be from the colonies, who had the affrontery to engage in a social game of rugger this weekend last at Fleet HQ, and heaven forbid, humiliate Fleet's finest. I assure you sir that no such tomfoolery was allowed in our crew and former Captain of Vessel Farmhand-Wallis was the only foreigner we allowed aboard ship, the fact of which we also gleefully reminded him.

I remain, in victory, your humble servant,

Commander Her Britannic Majesty's Ship Scorpion, Sir Andrew Bouchington-Blithertwit, KCV A, NGRY, TWA, T with bar

End Communique

Holed below the waterline

Communique to: Rear Admiral Lord Harperington-Blogsmythe,

From: Commander of HMS Scorpion

Ref: Recent engagement with Imperial Battle Cruiser Dragon

Sir,

It is my solemn duty to report that HMS Scorpion suffered substantial damage at the hands of the Imperial Battlecruiser Dragon this Saturday last.

Upon entering the battle zone, we engaged the enemy but their superior speed in the aft section caused severe damage to our hull.

It is however my pleasure to report that the entire crew stuck to their stations with admirable bravery and devotion to duty. Of particular mention in this dispatch must be the entire for'ard section of the ship which held firm despite the attentions of the enemy, who appeared to be led by a horse!

The battle was short and somewhat sobering, so Sir Watsonian-Nothernbottom and I decided to make for the neutral wet harbour of Sportsmansk, where it seems our foe had also docked. Despite the attention of a particularly annoying pair of the enemy who appeared boringly bald and foreign and variously short and mildly facially hirsute, we were able to surmise that the ship was repairable despite the 62 hits we received.

By way of note, your lordship, we managed to land 7 shots ourselves to what had been previously a virtually impregnable defence. We have therefore made our way to dry dock at HMS TrainingField, where we will attempt to seal leaks before making way to the expected battle across the channel at Kingsypark on Saturday next.

Additional mention in this dispatch must be given to Able-Seamen Wilde and French who battled valiantly despite a severe bout of sea-sickness during a midway lull in the battle.

Yours in expectation of a reversal of fortune,

Commander Her Britannic Majesty's Ship Scorpion, Sir Andrew Bouchington-Blithertwit.

End Communique

Scorps test PLA, show potential

The below is something of a hybrid between a CIA report, an executive summary and a stream-of-consciousness piece of Hunter S. Thompson-style reportage. Who else could have written it but Bouch?

Date: Saturday 18th October 2008
Location: Kings Park (away again!)
Opposition: The People's Liberation Army of the People's Republic of China
Score: CBRE HKFC III Scorpions 22, Laxton PLA 44
Scorers: Tries: Charles French 2, Alex Smith, David Guthrie; Conversions: David Beckett 2

It behoves this writer to crave the indulgence of the "blog-itors", by being a smidgeon late. Dry yet profuse words can be delivered with alacrity, erudition and wit take a little longer. Before I wrote this report I took the liberty of investigating our opposition a little more than watching them run past me very fast. I discovered this intriguing factoid:"The PLA is the world's largest military force, with approximately 3 million members, and has the world's largest (active) standing army, with approximately 2.25 million members."Which I imagine can go some way to explaining how they managed to get 14 people who were simultaneously very quick and had little or no body fat - the 15th member was the first but strangely not the latter.

The lack of fat and the small issue of a language barrier did make for somewhat less comedy than normal.The coaching staff's near complete failure to register any laughs was compounded by the minor issue that our good selves were virtually incapable of tackling the aforesaid blubberless ones. Despite this coach Mike Watson, he of the no body fat whatsoever but a fine line in Northern wit, had a couple of intriguing comments for the team to consider at training.

• Thanks - hard work. Tough match against a good side - fast and fit.
• Disappointment because we had the ability to beat PLA if we could learn to adapt our performance to counter their strengths. The first 15 minutes we totalled them scoring one, nearly a second attacking their 22 and then an interception.
• Two more tries were interceptions when we were in attacking position. This made 21 points lads deduct them and you see the true nature of the game.
• Comments:- Scrummaging very good. Front Row really worked in tight and in loose. Just a couple of wheels later on but impressed.
- Loose - when we stuck to the pick drive and roll agreement of before the kick off we just took PLA down the park often 20 to 40 Meters. To be fair I think if we did this against many sides in our league we would win the game.
- Backs overall no criticism. I liked the open play and the handling was in the main strong. Taking runners from the back row also gained ground for us.
- Penalties - well done to Smudger for the quick taps - 2 tries came from this.
- Dave Beckett great running. Nick James if I underestimated your running ability from deep mate first time I have seen it.All of the above would have been of value (including the bits I have carefully edited out) at training, had anybody been there on Monday!!! Which was nice.

In summary, which by its very nature and because it is written by me, may very well end up being longer than the main content, the Scorps laid down a big marker for the season. We played at times some good strong rugby with discipline and just enough flair to be very dangerous. It also is great to see that there are many more players who have the wherewithal and desire to play in the higher leagues. David Beckett and Nick James were mentioned above as was Smudger Smith stepping up from Select with aplomb. However the Man of the Match went to Minju "Midget" Kim for an outstanding full 80 minutes at tighthead prop against a much bigger and more experienced (make that ex-Chinese international) prop, and we at times powered them off their own ball. The Tuesday of the match remains in the capable hands of Mr Richard Tinsley for failing to return the sartorial wig and hat combo which management had carefully crafted the previous week.Despite this we did manage to turnstile a few of their players and lessons have been learned.

Bring it on as they say - whoever the hell "they" are.
Bouch