Drags v Scorps - a jolly afternoon

Evening all

Bit of, er, fun on Saturday for Dragons and Scorpions (final score around 35-12 to Drags but don't quote me on that). Scorps came out firing with all the guts and application you would expect from a team bearing that name, and from any team billed as the underdog in an intra-HKFC derby. Drags may not be happy with the manner of their victory but they walked away league champs after Valley succumbed to PLA 23-20.

In particular, I would like to offer the front-rower's salute to the men of the Scorps front row: Messrs Wong, Nazer, Kim and Browne, who fronted up admirably. While Drags had the upper hand in the scrummage, this determined band and the rest of the Scorps pack tested them every step of the way - and came back at the Drags with interest on occasion.

Apart from that, it was a scrappy, aggressive, niggly and rather disjointed match, full of venom but strangely muted as a contest compared to some of the Scorps v Drags superclasicos of old. I don't think the referee enjoyed it either - he kept blowing his whistle to try and liven it up. I tried to cheer him up a bit by asking what was the only thing worse than refereeing a club side? Refereeing two of course. But he wasn't really in the mood for my outstanding banter so I let it drop.

The game was really only notable for being Andy Boucher's last match for HKFC - for the Bouchers are off to the USA - and for the debut of a young man from New Zealand called Sam, who terrorised the Scorps from number eight and who I doubt will be playing much more for Dragons if he stays in Hong Kong. Sam is a friendly, amiable soul unless you happen to be anywhere near him on a rugby pitch as part of the opposing team. Then he would be better named Samageddon. After a few contact situations with him on Monday in which I came off marginally second best, I would counsel a very low body position and the advantage of a long run-up to his future opponents. But he seems like a bl*ody useful chap to have on your side, so welcome, Sam.

Furthermore, a strong Select side also celebrated victory in Division 3, beating Macau 25-21, while Sequins were likewise crowned champs in Division 4 with a hefty win over Causeway Bay.

Harps

Nomads feel the Scorpion's sting

I get the feeling Bouch is all at sea with this analogy but what the heck, he's enjoying himself...

Communique

To: Rear Admiral the Lord Adam Harperington-Blogsmythe, KCV A, RSE B, UM with Distinction

From: Commander of HMS Scorpion

Ref: Invasion of Kowloon Peninsula

Sir,

As instructed by Fleet HQ, HMS Scorpion undertook their planned invasion of the Kowloon Peninsula this Saturday last. We encountered some spirited resistance from a local force of Nomads but after several minutes skirmishing, we were able to fire off several successful salvos. As the engagement continued, the crew battled with structure and cohesion for periods whilst also managing to allow the opposition forces to appear as if they could resist. I have advised the crew that this sort of lapse in discipline is not to be tolerated and after the Nomadic force had been defeated by 52 hits to nil, we maintained station and undertook several essential keel-haulings as required by military convention. All members of the crew took their punishment like the men they are.

To be mentioned in dispatches:
Lieutenant Commander Giles Disney-LargeOick, despite his appalling lower middle class accent, the man charged with selecting our forces for this encounter did a more than sterling job and was suitable rewarded after the match. Unfortunately I was unable to formally present him with the MOTB medal as one of the previous crew members has neglected to return it. He will be scrubbing the decks appropriately.

Ensigns Nieto, Beckett, and Bowring and former Captain of the Vessel Shane Farmhand-Wallis performed very well and were responsible for the vast majority of the hits we achieved, for which the command structure were dutifully grateful. It is worth noting that unfortunately Commander Sir Watsonian-Northernbottom was detained in port due to hosting members of the Singaporean navy who had mysteriously arrived for a shared tour of duty. However when informed of the extent of our victory, Sir W-N was extremely pleased.

Once again, the entire for'rard section performed with distinction although our aeriel support group, used when we were at the edge of the battlefield, needed a little work. I fear another trip to HMS TrainingField!

Finally, it is my sad duty to report that certain elements of the for'rard section were forced to retire from the engagement after I had sent in all of the available reserve force. (Able Seaman Frost (very unable at this point) was suitably keel-hauled.) Faced with leaving a hole in the strength of the attack, I was forced into the engagement myself. I am pleased however to report that my intervention didn't cause too much embarrassment and I am grateful to Master Chief Petty Officer Yataka Yazawa-san, on loan from His Imperial Japanese Maritime Self Defence Force, who bailed me out of a potentially nasty surprise when I found myself isolated deep behind enemy lines, attempting to grasp some advantage from Cabin Boy French's bizarre use of the foot as an attacking weapon. Indeed suffice it to say all of the crew found it slightly amusing from one so large.

I am also delighted to inform fleet command that we maintained a small force to lend support to the fleet's primary aircraft carrier group led by HMS Club, who also achieved victory. I am however duty bound to point out that several members of their crew appeared to be from the colonies, who had the affrontery to engage in a social game of rugger this weekend last at Fleet HQ, and heaven forbid, humiliate Fleet's finest. I assure you sir that no such tomfoolery was allowed in our crew and former Captain of Vessel Farmhand-Wallis was the only foreigner we allowed aboard ship, the fact of which we also gleefully reminded him.

I remain, in victory, your humble servant,

Commander Her Britannic Majesty's Ship Scorpion, Sir Andrew Bouchington-Blithertwit, KCV A, NGRY, TWA, T with bar

End Communique

Holed below the waterline

Communique to: Rear Admiral Lord Harperington-Blogsmythe,

From: Commander of HMS Scorpion

Ref: Recent engagement with Imperial Battle Cruiser Dragon

Sir,

It is my solemn duty to report that HMS Scorpion suffered substantial damage at the hands of the Imperial Battlecruiser Dragon this Saturday last.

Upon entering the battle zone, we engaged the enemy but their superior speed in the aft section caused severe damage to our hull.

It is however my pleasure to report that the entire crew stuck to their stations with admirable bravery and devotion to duty. Of particular mention in this dispatch must be the entire for'ard section of the ship which held firm despite the attentions of the enemy, who appeared to be led by a horse!

The battle was short and somewhat sobering, so Sir Watsonian-Nothernbottom and I decided to make for the neutral wet harbour of Sportsmansk, where it seems our foe had also docked. Despite the attention of a particularly annoying pair of the enemy who appeared boringly bald and foreign and variously short and mildly facially hirsute, we were able to surmise that the ship was repairable despite the 62 hits we received.

By way of note, your lordship, we managed to land 7 shots ourselves to what had been previously a virtually impregnable defence. We have therefore made our way to dry dock at HMS TrainingField, where we will attempt to seal leaks before making way to the expected battle across the channel at Kingsypark on Saturday next.

Additional mention in this dispatch must be given to Able-Seamen Wilde and French who battled valiantly despite a severe bout of sea-sickness during a midway lull in the battle.

Yours in expectation of a reversal of fortune,

Commander Her Britannic Majesty's Ship Scorpion, Sir Andrew Bouchington-Blithertwit.

End Communique

Scorps test PLA, show potential

The below is something of a hybrid between a CIA report, an executive summary and a stream-of-consciousness piece of Hunter S. Thompson-style reportage. Who else could have written it but Bouch?

Date: Saturday 18th October 2008
Location: Kings Park (away again!)
Opposition: The People's Liberation Army of the People's Republic of China
Score: CBRE HKFC III Scorpions 22, Laxton PLA 44
Scorers: Tries: Charles French 2, Alex Smith, David Guthrie; Conversions: David Beckett 2

It behoves this writer to crave the indulgence of the "blog-itors", by being a smidgeon late. Dry yet profuse words can be delivered with alacrity, erudition and wit take a little longer. Before I wrote this report I took the liberty of investigating our opposition a little more than watching them run past me very fast. I discovered this intriguing factoid:"The PLA is the world's largest military force, with approximately 3 million members, and has the world's largest (active) standing army, with approximately 2.25 million members."Which I imagine can go some way to explaining how they managed to get 14 people who were simultaneously very quick and had little or no body fat - the 15th member was the first but strangely not the latter.

The lack of fat and the small issue of a language barrier did make for somewhat less comedy than normal.The coaching staff's near complete failure to register any laughs was compounded by the minor issue that our good selves were virtually incapable of tackling the aforesaid blubberless ones. Despite this coach Mike Watson, he of the no body fat whatsoever but a fine line in Northern wit, had a couple of intriguing comments for the team to consider at training.

• Thanks - hard work. Tough match against a good side - fast and fit.
• Disappointment because we had the ability to beat PLA if we could learn to adapt our performance to counter their strengths. The first 15 minutes we totalled them scoring one, nearly a second attacking their 22 and then an interception.
• Two more tries were interceptions when we were in attacking position. This made 21 points lads deduct them and you see the true nature of the game.
• Comments:- Scrummaging very good. Front Row really worked in tight and in loose. Just a couple of wheels later on but impressed.
- Loose - when we stuck to the pick drive and roll agreement of before the kick off we just took PLA down the park often 20 to 40 Meters. To be fair I think if we did this against many sides in our league we would win the game.
- Backs overall no criticism. I liked the open play and the handling was in the main strong. Taking runners from the back row also gained ground for us.
- Penalties - well done to Smudger for the quick taps - 2 tries came from this.
- Dave Beckett great running. Nick James if I underestimated your running ability from deep mate first time I have seen it.All of the above would have been of value (including the bits I have carefully edited out) at training, had anybody been there on Monday!!! Which was nice.

In summary, which by its very nature and because it is written by me, may very well end up being longer than the main content, the Scorps laid down a big marker for the season. We played at times some good strong rugby with discipline and just enough flair to be very dangerous. It also is great to see that there are many more players who have the wherewithal and desire to play in the higher leagues. David Beckett and Nick James were mentioned above as was Smudger Smith stepping up from Select with aplomb. However the Man of the Match went to Minju "Midget" Kim for an outstanding full 80 minutes at tighthead prop against a much bigger and more experienced (make that ex-Chinese international) prop, and we at times powered them off their own ball. The Tuesday of the match remains in the capable hands of Mr Richard Tinsley for failing to return the sartorial wig and hat combo which management had carefully crafted the previous week.Despite this we did manage to turnstile a few of their players and lessons have been learned.

Bring it on as they say - whoever the hell "they" are.
Bouch

Was this the most ridiculous rugby kit of all time?

Manila 2007. It's the Year of the Pig, so we got dressed up like butchers. The only thing we lacked were straw hats. Strangely enough, my girlfriend finds this shirt, with its blood-dripping numerals on the back, more offensive than the previous year's offering in the Year of the Dog, which featured a cute design of canines sniffing each others' rears.

Shortly after this photograph was taken, we took the field against some team of expats from Thailand I think. Grewers made a particularly fine little break before he was collared by their scrum-half, who then decided to start pumelling the poor lad's head with his fist. Your correspondent was mysteriously the closest player to hand, so I charged in and attempted to intervene. Moments later, as Bouch remarked, it was like Swansea on a Friday night. I was yellow carded for being the "third man in" and we developed a taste for pugilism that found full expression later that night in the famous Ringside Bar. Only in Manila will you find a bar where there is a boxing ring and you are encouraged to fight your mates (albeit in comically oversized gloves) when you can hardly stand up.

This tour was also notable for the appearance of a friend of Richard Lewis's (back row, far right), who claimed to have played for Wales but was pretty rubbish. No surprises there then...

Enough reminiscing I feel.
Harps

Not harping on any more

Good afternoon all. It's a beautiful day outside, the world (at least according the definition of those in the financial services industry) would appear to be staring into the abyss once again and I have found a few moments to bring the old blog up to date. It's a pleasure to reach you via the tremendously clever communication system brought into being by the efforts of club stalwart Brother Paul T. McGee. Did you know that he personally entered everyone's email addresses into the system? Well he did. "If I didn't do it, it wasn't going to happen," says the reclusive billionaire. That's the spirit.

Like an old ocean-going liner, the rugby season is beginning to get underway. However, at the last minute, the HKRFU has taken the rather odd 11th hour decision to play the knockout cup before the league season, meaning there will be no league rugby until November 8. Lord knows why, but there it is. The knockout cup will start when the league had been due to kick off on October 11.

Competitive rugby of a kind began last weekend with the Valley 15s, a competitition that really demonstrates why it is a good idea to reduce team sizes if you cut down match time. Nonetheless, rugby is rugby, and the Club boys will be disappointed to have succumbed to three successive defeats. With a growing casualty list to compound his woes, Coach Quinton Wrigley's blood pressure will be rising well before the real shooting match begins. There was better fortune for Dragons and Ice who won their divisions and claimed the club's first silverware of the season. As I understand Murray Sargant's epistle on the subject, Dragons' final came down to a draw and it had to be decided by a sprint race which 'Usain' Payne won.

On an entirely different subject, I would like to recommend H.E. Andrew Boucher's blog. He does appear to be preoccupied with one issue in particular, but his peerless style and the contributions of some other notable Scorps make this a highly entertaining read. Take a look now on
http://www.rugbyisnotbroken.blogspot.com/

Finally, I have one or two further points to make on the issue of team names, or the absence thereof. Firstly and most importantly, let's be absolutely clear that the greater good of the section is of paramount importance to everyone involved. We all want a system under which teams co-operate as much as possible and in which players play for higher and lower teams than their accustomed team when selected to do so.

But I do not believe that changing the team names is the best way to achieve this - it contributes to the appearance of 'one club' but I'm not so sure about whether it brings that reality any closer. I'm inclined to think that worthy ideal can only be fully achieved if management and the selectors are able to enforce selections by bringing meaningful penalties to bear if people disappear when they are asked to play for a team that is not their preferred one.

At the moment, I believe it is fair to say that a majority of players feel that they have lost something important to their rugby experience without having been consulted on the change. A poll on my previous posting revealed 59% against replacing team names with numbers, 25% in favour and 15% indifferent. There were 32 respondents, which shows you how few people really read the Blog. But I also suspect the majority of these were Club and Drags players. A straw poll of club stalwarts from other teams certainly suggested that there is even stronger support for team names elsewhere in the section.

I admire and support the goal behind this initiative, but I disagree profoundly with the method and, should anyone care, I will not be using the numbers myself. Nor, I suspect, will we see the Sequins' Corner being renamed "The Corner Formerly Known as the Sequins' Corner" (and I can't take credit for that one) or any talk of "Mighty" FC4. In any case, I think there has been more than enough from me on this issue and you will be relieved to hear that I am going to pipe back down and concentrate on rugby.

Harps

How to survive playing rugby in Guangzhou

A fine day for a bike ride in downtown Guangzhou

An Idiot's Guide to Playing Rugby in Guangzhou

This weekend's the Drags will head to Guangzhou to take on the noble soldiers of the PLA. It's a crucial game - Drags have an unbeaten record to maintain and, after only narrowly beating the PLA on home turf, they know they will have their work cut out on their mainland trip. Many Drags will be on their first rugby pilgrimage to sunny GZ, however, and 'we' at the Blog decided it would be helpful to give them an idea of what to expect. Suffice to say, HKFC it is not.

Meeting for the Trip

Traumatised at the prospect of having to abandon home comforts and head into Red China, players will say long and tearful goodbyes to the nearest and dearest, arriving at HKFC approximately 5-10 minutes after the scheduled departure time (except me Murray). There will then be further delays as items as retrieved from the changing rooms and people have last minute bowel evacuations - bathroom facilities will be scarce and highly variable from here on in. Don't be alarmed by the delays, they are essential for causing a mad rush at...

Hung Hom Station

Ah, the Hong Kong bridgehead for China's rail network. From here, you can join the iron bloodstream of China and travel as far as Harbin, Urumqi or even Lhasa. Not us, though, we're going to Guangzhou. There will be further delays here as latecomers roll up and those who can't afford to live on the Island drift along. There will be just time to eat the local delicacy - a 7-11 cream bun - before the team boards the train en masse as the whistle blows. Train departs Hong Kong with the esky trapped between the sliding doors, players frantically trying to pull it in.

Your outward train journey

Sit back. Relax. You're on your way to China now. Marvel at the fortifications around the river at Lo Wu and enjoy a glimpse of China's capital of culture and plastics manufacturing, Shenzhen. After you leave Shenzhen, play a game of count the factories with your friends. Bizarrely they all look empty, which makes you wonder where Hong Kong's air pollution is coming from. It's probably really just Nigel Hobler barbecueing a couple of steers for dinner in Happy Valley.

On the way, why not?

- Have a cup of weapons-grade coffee

- Devour a bowl of tepid noodles with offal

- Snigger at the prospect of Stobart's misery on his Stag

Arrival in GZ

File off train in drips and drabs. Look on in disbelief as your healthy pre-match bananas are sniffed out by a dog and seized by customs (you will get a receipt though). Chortle at the sign that says "Absolutely to Pulverise the Smuggles, Illegal Crimes and Other Lavatorial Behaviours". Fill out entry form, enter China. Now you're ready to play rugby!

The match

Well, this is why you came. The PLA forwards - who seem to be entirely drawn from parts of Northern China where men spend all day moving boulders around by hand - will try and smash the cr*p out of you, while a bunch of lethally quick backs attempt to run rings around you. That's their plan anyway. The PLA are very decent outfit, even if Dinks' suggestion that they have the best lineout in Asia bar the Japanese national team was a bit of a push, and they will offer Drags a stern challenge.

For those used to playing on HKFC's delightful carpet, you're in for a shock. Some nearby agriculturalist would seem to have had a go at it with a moderately effective plough. It would also appear that a number of budding gardeners from among the local population have turned up to pinch small amounts of topsoil in the middle of the night, leaving foot-sized holes all over the surface. Add to that a profusion of worms who have surfaced to have a look around and an assortment of other organic (need I specify?) and non-organic (use your imagination) detritus and you can see why the Chinese name for the ground translates as "Brownish-green coloured field where you have to be bl*ody careful." Actually it doesn't. But it should.

Post-match

When you finish playing, don't be at all alarmed if several hundred Chinese soldiers emerge in formation carrying little wooden stools. Since the EU lifted its arms embargo on China, they can get hold of better weapons than that, so they will not be using the stools to attack you. No, these boys have actually come for an outdoor lesson in how to millitarily thwart the capitalist-roaders of Taiwan province and other enemies of the revolution. They will merely sit on the stools and will do you no harm. Under no circumstances should you have a shower. I don't want to be rude, but you'll see why. The Chinese military clearly have bigger priorities than the provision of humane washing facilities for their rank and file. Instead, take a change of clothese and get changed wherever you please (there are no changing rooms so they obviously don't mind). Then hustle back for the train station and the safety of dear old Honkers.

Before departure

Go to McDonald's and secure 25-30 Big Macs for a team dinner (remember how these look as you will be seeing them later). Go to the 7-11, try in vain to persuade them to accept HKD, and then purchase their entire stock of beer plus one or two bottles of Mao Tai, China's delicious rice wine on someone's credit card. Scramble though customs and immigration and hop onto the train. Congratulations - you survived! Or did you..

Your return journey

Now comes your punishment, or reward, depending on how you look at it. A monstrous fines session should kick off on the train with someone of a notably bitter and vengeful character (Bouch?) presiding. Watch as other passengers complain to the train staff when you open the rice win and the whole carriage smells like someone is painting the walls. Enjoy the challenge of digesting a Big Mac and four sculled tins inside 10 minutes. See Raby comatose within an hour. See Babis asleep within two. Then redecorate the bathroom yourself and attempt feebly to clean up by swilling water on the floor. Bowl down to the dining carriage and have a pint of Tsingtao and a smoke. By the time you get back to HK, you'll be the most popular guys on the train.

You have just toured GZ!

Harps

Contempts back in action

HKFC's most serious (drinking) team got back into action last night and apparently beat a Valley Side known as Old Forbetonians for some reason that Bouch or Babis can probably explain. Lammo didn't include the score in his missive, but he did send out a picture, which is much better. Note the normal Contempts preponderance of front rows (I spy Wong, Rudolph, Babis and Sultan Asif Iqbal ibn Nazir...alright that's only four). Oh and there's a grinning, bald man on the right of the back row who's above average height for a Welshman. Why isn't he playing? Even Bouch played in this game. No excuses Sexton. And as for the shirt...aaaiiiyaaa.

I would gladly have joined the Contempts' happy ranks myself had it not been for an aggravated groin strain picked up during a critical game of mixed touch rugby on Monday and the joyful occasion of Grewers' wedding banquet, which was a very upmarket affair (unlike his stag) at the Intercontinental. Grewers impressed all present by getting through a lengthy speech in apparently passable Cantonese and caused some obvious introspection among some of the Club boys there when he told his beautiful wife Stefanie that he loved her more than rugby... Unfortunately Stobart tried to hijack the event, as usual, by joining the family group and wishing guests goodnight as they left the banquet but he was soon exposed as a fraud due to his scant resemblance to the members of either family. We left Mr and Mrs Grewers to a beauty treatment in their palatial bridal suite at about 1am after a tremendous evening.

I think there's Union Sevens for Club on Saturday and then Professions Sevens on Sunday, but it's a silly game so I'm not going to write about it.

Have a lovely weekend.
Harps

Blogging, Caution

The moral of the posting below is never, ever attempt mobile blogging after three pints and five rum and cokes. It seemed like such a good idea at the time. My apologies to Mr Hussey, the washrooms at Solas are actually delightful, even if the washbasins are a little challenging.

Bouch is threatening to contribute some of his inimitable wit to this humble blog but is not available to do this before next week. Such are the lives of important people. We wait with baited breath...

Harps