How to survive playing rugby in Guangzhou

A fine day for a bike ride in downtown Guangzhou

An Idiot's Guide to Playing Rugby in Guangzhou

This weekend's the Drags will head to Guangzhou to take on the noble soldiers of the PLA. It's a crucial game - Drags have an unbeaten record to maintain and, after only narrowly beating the PLA on home turf, they know they will have their work cut out on their mainland trip. Many Drags will be on their first rugby pilgrimage to sunny GZ, however, and 'we' at the Blog decided it would be helpful to give them an idea of what to expect. Suffice to say, HKFC it is not.

Meeting for the Trip

Traumatised at the prospect of having to abandon home comforts and head into Red China, players will say long and tearful goodbyes to the nearest and dearest, arriving at HKFC approximately 5-10 minutes after the scheduled departure time (except me Murray). There will then be further delays as items as retrieved from the changing rooms and people have last minute bowel evacuations - bathroom facilities will be scarce and highly variable from here on in. Don't be alarmed by the delays, they are essential for causing a mad rush at...

Hung Hom Station

Ah, the Hong Kong bridgehead for China's rail network. From here, you can join the iron bloodstream of China and travel as far as Harbin, Urumqi or even Lhasa. Not us, though, we're going to Guangzhou. There will be further delays here as latecomers roll up and those who can't afford to live on the Island drift along. There will be just time to eat the local delicacy - a 7-11 cream bun - before the team boards the train en masse as the whistle blows. Train departs Hong Kong with the esky trapped between the sliding doors, players frantically trying to pull it in.

Your outward train journey

Sit back. Relax. You're on your way to China now. Marvel at the fortifications around the river at Lo Wu and enjoy a glimpse of China's capital of culture and plastics manufacturing, Shenzhen. After you leave Shenzhen, play a game of count the factories with your friends. Bizarrely they all look empty, which makes you wonder where Hong Kong's air pollution is coming from. It's probably really just Nigel Hobler barbecueing a couple of steers for dinner in Happy Valley.

On the way, why not?

- Have a cup of weapons-grade coffee

- Devour a bowl of tepid noodles with offal

- Snigger at the prospect of Stobart's misery on his Stag

Arrival in GZ

File off train in drips and drabs. Look on in disbelief as your healthy pre-match bananas are sniffed out by a dog and seized by customs (you will get a receipt though). Chortle at the sign that says "Absolutely to Pulverise the Smuggles, Illegal Crimes and Other Lavatorial Behaviours". Fill out entry form, enter China. Now you're ready to play rugby!

The match

Well, this is why you came. The PLA forwards - who seem to be entirely drawn from parts of Northern China where men spend all day moving boulders around by hand - will try and smash the cr*p out of you, while a bunch of lethally quick backs attempt to run rings around you. That's their plan anyway. The PLA are very decent outfit, even if Dinks' suggestion that they have the best lineout in Asia bar the Japanese national team was a bit of a push, and they will offer Drags a stern challenge.

For those used to playing on HKFC's delightful carpet, you're in for a shock. Some nearby agriculturalist would seem to have had a go at it with a moderately effective plough. It would also appear that a number of budding gardeners from among the local population have turned up to pinch small amounts of topsoil in the middle of the night, leaving foot-sized holes all over the surface. Add to that a profusion of worms who have surfaced to have a look around and an assortment of other organic (need I specify?) and non-organic (use your imagination) detritus and you can see why the Chinese name for the ground translates as "Brownish-green coloured field where you have to be bl*ody careful." Actually it doesn't. But it should.

Post-match

When you finish playing, don't be at all alarmed if several hundred Chinese soldiers emerge in formation carrying little wooden stools. Since the EU lifted its arms embargo on China, they can get hold of better weapons than that, so they will not be using the stools to attack you. No, these boys have actually come for an outdoor lesson in how to millitarily thwart the capitalist-roaders of Taiwan province and other enemies of the revolution. They will merely sit on the stools and will do you no harm. Under no circumstances should you have a shower. I don't want to be rude, but you'll see why. The Chinese military clearly have bigger priorities than the provision of humane washing facilities for their rank and file. Instead, take a change of clothese and get changed wherever you please (there are no changing rooms so they obviously don't mind). Then hustle back for the train station and the safety of dear old Honkers.

Before departure

Go to McDonald's and secure 25-30 Big Macs for a team dinner (remember how these look as you will be seeing them later). Go to the 7-11, try in vain to persuade them to accept HKD, and then purchase their entire stock of beer plus one or two bottles of Mao Tai, China's delicious rice wine on someone's credit card. Scramble though customs and immigration and hop onto the train. Congratulations - you survived! Or did you..

Your return journey

Now comes your punishment, or reward, depending on how you look at it. A monstrous fines session should kick off on the train with someone of a notably bitter and vengeful character (Bouch?) presiding. Watch as other passengers complain to the train staff when you open the rice win and the whole carriage smells like someone is painting the walls. Enjoy the challenge of digesting a Big Mac and four sculled tins inside 10 minutes. See Raby comatose within an hour. See Babis asleep within two. Then redecorate the bathroom yourself and attempt feebly to clean up by swilling water on the floor. Bowl down to the dining carriage and have a pint of Tsingtao and a smoke. By the time you get back to HK, you'll be the most popular guys on the train.

You have just toured GZ!

Harps