The Captain's article the Club Magazine would not publish

Well who reads it anyway?

From Das Kapitan, Anthony George...

You know, it’s not easy being the Captain of the Rugby Section. Especially when one is also a fully active member of the ninja community. I mean, you have to sit in committee meetings and listen to the likes of Woots and Foley wittering on about how it was better in their day (Hong Kong was a great place under Queen Victoria, apparently); you are held responsible for every minor indiscretion committed by a rugby player after over-imbibation regardless of whether or not it was you (Er, it generally is you – Ed.); the forwards moan that the kit’s too tight, while the backs moan that it doesn’t really go with their eyes, can we have a lighter shade next year please?; and, worst of all, comes a moment like this. Once a month, you sit down to write an article for the Club magazine, filling the avid reader (yes, there is one, apparently) in on what’s happened over the previous month. Except. This month, nothing has happened. No games, no tours, no amusing anecdotes, no momentous RFU decisions, even Kibble’s stayed out of trouble. Nada. When you read this in two weeks’ time, lots of interesting stuff will have happened – Ten’s Dinner, nail biting League encounters, Q smiling – well, maybe not the last one, but you get the idea. But in the here and now, right this instant, rien.
However, I am aware of my duty to keep the loyal readership informed (him again) so, to that end, I have prevailed upon our very own Section Psychic and coach of the Dragons, none other than Mystic Marc Sexton, to gaze into his Crystal Dome and give us his predictions for the coming month. So, without further ado, here’s the chat I had with him reproduced for your edification:

Tony: Hello Mystic Marc, how’re things? Good Christmas?
Mystic Marc: Great thanks, Tone. Had a smashing break.
T: So, don’t keep us in suspense. What’s in store for us in the coming month? And didn’t you write a hit musical, sell it for a pittance and eke out an existence presenting a really bad Channel 4 quiz show?
MM: Quiz show? What are you talking about? Hang on while I get my Crystal Dome ready. Pass me that mirror. Right, here we go. You ready? Because once I enter the spirit world…
T: Yeah, I’ve seen what happens when you enter the spirit world, especially if it’s rum, and no one wants that again.
MM: No, not that spirit world, muppet. Right, first prediction: Ben Stobart to miss more drop goals than he hits.
T: Not sure you had to be psychically gifted to see that one, Mystic Marc. And weren’t you one half of a two-hit wonder duo that had a smash hit singing something about their shirt?
MM: Eh? Oh well, another prediction: Q to smile before Easter.
T: Steady on there Mystic Marc! That’s a gutsy call! And didn’t you play an evil, murderous robot in a film set in a Wild West theme park?
MM: What? Oh, another prediction: Robin Bredbury to become a fully qualified psychotherapist specialising in anger management. And qualify as a referee.
T: Are you sure you know what you’re doing, Mystic Marc? And didn’t you sing a hit song about nothing comparing to someone and then jack it all in to become a priest?
MM: Stop asking me stupid questions. More predictions:
PT McGee to attend self confidence classes to bring him out of his shell more
The Dragons to spark a major diplomatic incident whilst playing the PLA in Guanzhou
Sam Cooper, Select Captain, to renounce meat as murder and become vegetarian
Tony George to write a good article for the magazine instead of the tosh we’ve had to put up with so far
T: Right, well think we’d better call it a day there, eh Mystic Marc?