Table Surfing at Dave Sheikh Ali Yusuf bin Fadil Nazir's birthday party (originally known as Grewers' Stag) - the Abridged Version

"Hello and welcome to the fifth inaugural HKFC Table Surfing Tournament held once again at Shaffi's Malik Restaurant, Wan Chai Road on the occasion of Dave 'Arab' Nazer's birthday. The tables are greased with vaseline, the participants are totally hammered and stewards are holding back the traffic out in the road to allow them a good long run up, so let's get to the action [commotion at the back of the commentary booth]...sorry ladies and gentlemen, that's Grewers and he just wants to be noticed. Fortunately he can't speak because there's gaffer tape around his mouth and Phil Reid will smash the egg taped to his forehead if he gets out of hand.

Our first contestant is Dazzling Darien Bradshaw of Australia, who's sporting the traditional 'pants and shoes only look.' Here comes Dazzler from out on the road, crowds of passers-by are cheering him on and OUCH! he's completely failed to get through the doorway. Medics are rushing over, but I think that's the last we'll be seeing of Bradshaw in this competition.

Next at the starting line is Nicholas 'Knickerless' James, the Welsh tyro from the Valleys and noted ladies' man. The stewards have had to prevail on James to put on some pants - he's made a very strong argument that complete nudity delivers maximum aerodynamic effect (and added that he really likes the feeling of his tackle sliding across the greasy tables), but the jusges are unimpressed. Here comes now, accelerating to his full speed of a moderate jog in the road, vaulting off the chair and -- whoosh there he goes! Past the five table mark, up to the nine table mark, his faithful man-bag trailing behind him at all times...and there he comes to a halt. The chutney-covered peanuts laid on the table by saboteurs have covered his chest in nasty welts, but he's happy, so happy. Listen to him sing...yes, it's the English version of the Welsh national anthem that sounds just the same as the Welsh long as you don't laugh!

My hen laid a haddock, one hand oiled a flea,
Glad farts and centurions threw dogs in the sea,
I could stew a hare here and brandish Dan's flan,
Don's ruddy bog's blocked up with sand.

Dad! Dad! Why don't you oil Auntie Glad?
Can whores appear in beer bottle pies,
O butter the hens as they fly!

Thanks to Nick James for that. Now then, our last contestant is the birthday boy himself [more muffled shouting, sounds of bouncing off the walls]....oh no! It's Grewers again! He's somehow loose from his punishment chair! No Grewers! Don't throw that rice everywhere! It's not our falt you disowned your Stag do! Well, actually, we're all enjoying Nazer's birthday now. Ah, thank goodness! Here's Phil Reid, who's giving Grewers a proper schooling now, as ever. I don't think we'll have any more trouble from him.

So, here is Nazir, standing tense and focused at the starting line like a half-naked jihadi. Off he goes, what a leap! He's absolutely flying down the tables...he's past James at 10, he's past 12, he's reaching the end of the track and he's still motoring! He's flying off the end, ladies and gentlemen, hurtling headfirst into the bar, sending glasses and popadoms flying. Is he alright? yes, he's up, he's smiling, he knows he's won! That's the commitment you need at this level. Let's talk to the big man.

Salaam aleykum Dave and congratulations!
Thanks. This is the proudest day of my life. If only Sheren could have been here so I could have beaten him too.

What is the secret of your success?
Being heavier than my opponents. It's elementary physics old chap.

Do you have anything to say to your fans?
Would you like to buy some jewellry? I've got some lovely pendants just in. Your missus would love 'em mate. Tell you what, I'll do you three for...

Thanks Dave and goodnight.

Harps